Click the cartoon to enlarge
Firstly I want to make it clear that I claim no credit for any of the stuff on this page. I have collected these offerings over many years and I don't even know where most of them came from although thanks must go to the readers of The LangaList for some of the material. Just enjoy them for what they are.
I also intend no harm or offense to any person, animal, alien or inanimate object by any of the material. They are just plain funny.
Some good insults:
- He is so dense, light bends around him
- One celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
- If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean
- He loves nature, despite what it did to him
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
A
Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on
a long flight from LA to Paris.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would
like to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real
easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and
if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a
question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to
sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat exasperated, says, "OK, if
you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know
the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to
this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The
Programmer asks the first question. "What's the exact distance
from the earth to the moon?"
The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet,
pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks over at him with a puzzled look. He takes
out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He
taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and
the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no
avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands
him $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to
get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer
and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands
the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
How 's this for a job?
Try this!
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Ceehiro.
Promise you won't be naughty again?
Bureaucracy gone mad!
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's Prayer: 66 Words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
Lincoln's Gettysburg address: 286 words
The U.S. Declaration of Independance 1,300 words
The U.S.Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words
Ever got caught sleeping at your desk? Try these answers:
- Whew! I must have left the top off the white out. You got here just in time!
- Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
- I wasn't sleeping. I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
- ..... in God's name, Amen
You reckon you've got it tough!
Q. What is half a large intestine?
A. 1 semicolon.
Q. What is 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup?
A. Won Ton.
Advertising Faux Pas
-
The Scandanavian vacuum cleaner manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American advertising campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
- A chicken retailer's slogan "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
- Clairol introduce the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick"
Now for some serious stuff!
-
If people from Poland are called "Poles" why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
