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Everyone's a Tosser

Scod: But here's what I reckon about that issue. You know what I think? Everyone's a tosser!
  (To audience) Hand up, people, if you're a tosser.
   
  (Pause)
   
Gatesy: Ohh... you...
Scod: Two or three?
Gatesy: Yeah...
Scod: Umm... the rest of you, it can be our little secret.
  All right? Because Gatesy, this is what I reckon, and I'm going to put it in song.
Gatesy: Are ya?
Scod: Yeah!
   
  Everyone's a tosser.
   
  (Scod does a little dance)
Gatesy: I bet that hurt.
Scod: Yeah, it did a little bit.
Gatesy: That hurt.
   
Scod: Everyone's a fool.
  Don't ever feel like you don't fit,
  'Cause Gatesy, everyone's a tool.
   
Yon: (Reappearing suddenly) The louder that you say you're not,
  The more that it's the case.
   
Gatesy: (Puzzled) Where did he come from?
   
Tripod: Just like everybody else,
Scod: You're a real nob-face.
  Hey?
Gatesy: I'm a nob-face!
Scod: Yeah!
Gatesy: (Doing Scod's dance) Oww, that does hurt.
   
Scod: Take our little Yonny,
Yon: That's me.
Scod: He's a total mong.
Yon: If you think that I look interesting,
  I'm sorry, you'd be wrong.
   
Gatesy: What about old Scoddy?
Yon: You could write a book on him.
Scod: You could call it "Nobby the Nobsticle"
Gatesy: "And his Nobtastic Voyage"!
   
Tripod: Now you're getting it!
Gatesy: Hey, can I sing the next bit?
Tripod: Do you have to?
   
Gatesy: Everybody's a tosser,
  Everyone's a shmo,
  From Robert Louis Stevenson,
Tripod: To Edgar Allen Poe.
   
  We're all bloody cockspanks,
  The experts all agree.
Scod: The experts, they're all tossers too.
Gatesy: Just like you and me! Ha ha ha!
   
Yon: (To audience member) You, sir. You're a tosser.
Tripod: Whoa!
Scod: Hey!
   
  (Pause)
   
Gatesy: Umm... we talked about it backstage... we were going to pick on someone, make sure they're, like, smaller than us. He's a pretty big guy.
Scod: (Pointing into audience) What about this lady here in the burgundy jacket? Do you think we could take her on?
Gatesy: What, in a fight?
Scod: Yeah.
Gatesy: I could pound her down. Yeah, probably.
Yon: Ahh, excuse me, madam. Is it okay if I call you "madam"? I know you're obviously quite young, but it's just that you look like someone who organises whores.
   
  (Audience laugh)
   
Gatesy: Ohh... they took it the wrong way.
Scod: Yeah, right.
   
Yon: (To lady) Would you say that you're a violent person?
Scod: Yeah, like, for example, have you ever killed a man? Yes or no?
Gatesy: Like, if we called you a "nob-end"...
Yon: Just for example...
Gatesy: ... would you hurt us? No?
Scod: Nah, it'd be right, wouldn't it? Three! Four!
   
Tripod: Madam, you're a nob-end,
  It's there for all to see.
Yon: Don't try to deny it,
  Do you think you're better than me?
   
  (Yon does a little dance)
   
  Well?
Gatesy: Can you stop that?
Yon: Yeah.
   
  (Pause)
   
Gatesy: Like, now?
Yon: Yes, all right.
   
Tripod: The louder that you say you're not,
  The louder that you are.
Gatesy: You're a bonehead!
Yon: You're a franger!
Scod: You're a spazmo!
Gatesy: You're a shwanger!
Tripod: You're a tosser! It's a fact you can't ignore.
Gatesy: 'Cause everyone's a tosser.
Tripod: (To Gatesy) But you, slightly more.
   
Gatesy: (Puzzled) I feel like I didn't learn anything...
Tripod: Tosser!
   
Gatesy: What's up with that?
Scod: Eh?
Gatesy: What's going on there?
Scod: All right, umm, okay, well that brings us to the end of the first half, and now we're going to have a little bit of a intermission.
Gatesy: Thankyou.
   
  (The stage lights go off for about two seconds and then come back on)