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Ghost Ship
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Scod:
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Now, they're about to fight, fellas...
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Gatesy:
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Yeah...
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Scod:
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... when suddenly, the Ghost Ship arrives, and they flee in terror.
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Gatesy:
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(Dropping his sword) Oooh... the Ghost Ship...
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Yon:
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(Dropping his sword) The Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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The great galleon of gloom that sails the dark waters collecting souls... ooga booga!
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Yon:
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Hey, hey, maybe it's come for Tosswinkle.
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Gatesy:
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Oh yeah, he's a real bad-arse.
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Yon:
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He's a terrible-arse!
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Gatesy:
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Yes!
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Scod:
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All right, the Ghost Ship. It's very scary.
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Gatesy:
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How scary?
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Scod:
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(Playing a chord) E minor.
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Gatesy:
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Oooohh... guess the musos in the room have just poo-ed their pants! "Don't go near E minor, you can't take it!" Well, just watch us...
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Gatesy:
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See the lonely township, peacefully sleeping.
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The sun hides once again behind the sea-ea-ea-ea-ea-ea....
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Most are safely dreaming:
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Angel kisses...
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Yon:
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(Makes "kiss kiss kiss... flutter flutter flutter" noises)
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Butterflies...
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Yon:
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BWARK! BWARK! BWARK!
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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But sinners can't escape so easily.
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Yon:
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The murderers, the thieves, and the fradulent.
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Tripod:
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The overweight, the working-class, the foreigners.
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Scod:
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Urgh!
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Tripod:
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They all must beware, for what's that looming there?
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An evil spectre on the sea!
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Scod:
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Wooooaw!
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship! Ghost Ship! Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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Coming to get them...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Scod:
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Sinners, beware!
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Scod:
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Ain't no escaping...
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Tripod:
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... the Ghost Ship coming there...
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Yon:
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Toot toot!
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(Pause)
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Scod:
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What was that?
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Yon:
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What was that? It's the Ghost Ship - Toot toot!
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Scod:
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Yon, it's gotta be scary!
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Yon:
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Umm... right, yeah. TOOT TOOT.
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Scod:
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Yon, it's the Ghost Ship, all right. It's gotta be really disturbing.
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Gatesy:
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Grrrrr....
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Yon:
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Umm... oh! Milky discharge.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah!
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Scod:
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Yeah!
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Gatesy:
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That's disturbing!
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Scod:
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Spot on!
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Scod:
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Its masts are made of piled-up skulls,
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Its decks are made of human nuts.
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Its sails are made of sailor skin.
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Tripod:
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Its guts are made of...
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Scod:
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... guts!
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Tripod:
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It's a feat of engineering.
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Yon:
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I wonder who built it?
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Gatesy:
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I wonder who built it as well, Yonny.
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Gatesy:
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Out of the night, under the ocean stars,
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I was standing with my baby on the boardwalk, and the Ghost Ship was there.
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I took her to the pictures,
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And then I took her home, yeah!
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And then I took her to heaven, you know what I mean...
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Gatesy:
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And it was kind of dirty, and we got out the Glad Wrap...
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(Audience cheer)
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Scod:
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I don't want to stop it, but... umm... now, I'm just gonna go with some of the audience reaction...
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Gatesy:
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Yeah...
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Scod:
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... and suggest that a few of the punters, they've spotted the same inconsistency that I've spotted, Gatesy! Now, when did this suddenly become about some woman?
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Gatesy:
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Ohh, I see, right! Well, I figured that if this Tosswinkle the Pirate show was like a concept album, then this Ghost Ship song would be our first single, yeah? And we want to make a bit of money out of this for a change, yeah?
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So if we want to get this... want to get this single selling - sure, the guys, Dave, he loves that "ooga booga" scary stuff, with the galleon and the water, and OOOH!, but the girls - as soon as you talk about love, now you have the ladies listening. Ahh! Because the girls want to imagine they're making love to the singer.
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(Audience laughter)
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Gatesy:
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They're not supposed to laugh at that one.
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Scod:
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Hmm!
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Gatesy:
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Go with me guys on this - a one-ie and a two-ie and a three-four.
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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My baby kisses like a...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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I touched my baby on her...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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My trousers are bursting...
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Scod:
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All right, all right, stop the train! Just a minute, all right, okay.
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Sorry - "I touched my baby on her Ghost Ship".
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Gatesy:
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Yeah!
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Scod:
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Now... where exactly is a woman's "Ghost Ship"?
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Gatesy:
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Don't you know?
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Scod:
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I know... I'm just seeing, you know, if it translates.
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Yon:
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That... that's enough. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you're onto something, Gatesy. I think, you know, this whole love thing could be... could be a bit of a... unit mover.
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Gatesy:
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I reckon!
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Yon:
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Yeah! I mean, but, you're just coming in a little bit too fast, though, that's all.
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Gatesy:
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You reckon?
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Yon:
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You know, you need to create a little bit of a mood, you know, get inside the head of a female girl, you know? Can I give you an example of what I mean?
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Scod:
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Sure.
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Yon:
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After two - one, two.
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Yon:
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Expressing my feelings...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Yon:
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Being a good listener...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Yon:
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A thoughtful companion...
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Scod:
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I don't even know what this song's about any more!
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Gatesy:
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So, it's like foreplay?
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Yon:
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Yeah!
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Scod:
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NO! It's not about foreplay! All right, it's not, it's about a horrible spectral ship that comes to get sinners, all right?
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Gatesy:
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Well, what are they wearing? Is it sort of a leather thing with a...
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Scod:
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No! For Christ's sake, will you just focus? Okay. There might be a woman on it, but it's because she's a sinner. So it's more like, okay, scary, like:
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Scod:
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The woman's a sinner, she's gonna be dragged away...
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Gatesy:
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But not before I bone her on the boardwalk till the morning comes!
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Yon:
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I bought a sentimental card, with flowers and a pink desi-i-ign.
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Scod:
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She'll be torn apart by demons...
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Gatesy:
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While she's touching my buns!
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Yon:
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A caring environment...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Scod:
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A den of the damned...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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Overtly sexual...
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Scod:
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Murderous!
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Yon:
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Empathy!
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Gatesy:
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Nude!
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Scod:
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Banshees!
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Yon:
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Thoughtful!
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Gatesy:
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... Arse!
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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Yeah! Give it to me!
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Scod:
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You guys suck!
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Yon:
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Yeah!
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Scod:
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You're just encouraging him, don't!
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Gatesy:
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(Taking the guitar) The Ghost Ship arrives, yeah? Causing Admiral Gary Coleman and Tosswinkle to flee in terror, preventing their confrontation.
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