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Star Big Kev Wars
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Download the mp3 of this song from the Triple J website.
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Adam:
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Tripod are about to take a pretty big challenge. What's it based on, Wil?
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Wil:
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It's based on an excerpt from "Forced Heretic 2 - Refugee". A new Star Wars book has come out and it has a passage in it:
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"Tahiri nodded inside her all-encompassing helmet. From now on they were to address each other only as Yon, Gatesy and Scod - members of an underground cleaning gang named 'The Tripod'."
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Adam:
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A couple of Aussie guys have written a book in the genre of Star Wars fiction, and there's an oblique reference to Tripod as an underground cleaning rebel group. Tripod, are you ready to sing songs of your underground cleaning adventures?
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Scod:
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So ready!
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Gatesy:
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It's hardly oblique, it's pretty straightforward, really!
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Wil:
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Underground cleaning gang... reference to Big Kev... Ian Kiernan... and of course, to their previous career highlight before being mentioned in a Star Wars book.
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Adam:
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Take it away, Tripod, you underground cleaners...
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Tripod:
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We've ignored him in the past,
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Other than the thousands of jokes we've made about him.
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Now his time has come at last,
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We never knew what he could do.
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How were we to know,
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Underneath his coloured shirts and sunny disposition,
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Lurked a creature quite disturbing?
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Perturbing, unnerving?
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Yon:
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Matt Shirving... ton...
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Yon:
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He's only in this 'cause he rhymes.
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Gatesy:
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But guys, there's still good in him.
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I've felt it. He asked me to feel it.
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Yon:
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When I first knew him, Big Kev was a good friend.
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He's now more cleaning product than man - twisted and evil.
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Scod:
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This journey begins on a humble dirt-farming planet, called MudWorld.
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Three gormless youths pine for a future in the stars...
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Tripod:
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I wanna meet chicks,
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I'm tired of shovelling dirt.
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I wanna have adventures, save the universe,
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And meet lots of chicks.
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I'm sick of this dirt,
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I wanna just clean it all up.
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I wanna find my father, fly a spaceship,
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And meet lots of chicks.
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Gatesy:
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I told you, you can go to the cleaning academy after the dirt season.
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Yon:
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Nah, I'm going to Toshi station to pick up some power converters.
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Scod:
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Meanwhile...
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Gatesy:
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Hey, it's the "meanwhile" guy!
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Scod:
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Awww!
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Gatesy:
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I like you, you're real handy!
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Scod:
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Thanks man!
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Meanwhile, high above MudWorld...
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Tripod:
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He's now called Enormous Kev,
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And he's been through a horrid transformation.
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With a helmet on his head,
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A floral one, to match his shirt.
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Yon:
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(Darth Vader voice) I'm excited... Now we will witness the full cleaning power of this space station.
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Scod:
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But... MudWorld is a peaceful planet. They have no cleaning products.
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Yon:
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Who are you?
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Scod:
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I'm the hot brunette from those Brand-Power ads.
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Yon:
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You may fire when ready, Admiral.
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Gatesy:
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Not so fast, Enormous Kev!
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Yon:
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Wait a minute! Three men, one guitar, glasses... you were the warm-up guys at the Arias one year. You were terrible.
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Scod:
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Awww! Hey!...
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Gatesy:
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Ohhhh, steady on!...
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Scod:
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We weren't that bad...
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Gatesy:
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I wouldn't say terrible...
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Yon:
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(Normal voice) No, no...
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Scod:
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They were music industry types.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah, they're a very cynical audience at the best of times.
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Anyway, I reckon... I reckon we got a smile out of Tim Rogers.
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Scod:
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I reckon.
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Yon:
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That's true.
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Scod:
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Yeah.
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Yon:
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Geez, this Enormous Kev, he really is evil.
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Gatesy:
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Hmm.
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Tripod:
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Kev, your time has come at last,
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Once we were humble farmers, now an underground cleaning gang.
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Yon:
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(Darth Vader) How is this possible?
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Gatesy:
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We were training under the ancient cleaning master, Ian Kiernan.
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He once cleaned up Australia, before the dark times. Before... the Empire.
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Yon:
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You are unwise to lower your defences!
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(Sounds of fighting)
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Gatesy:
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Aaaaah!
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Yon:
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(Normal voice) Tough stains!
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Gatesy:
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I got the ammonia in my eye!
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Yon:
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Aaaah!
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Gatesy:
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Gee! That Windex does...
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Yon:
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Youch!
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(Darth Vader) So, how much did Ian Kiernan tell you about your father?
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Gatesy:
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He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
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Yon:
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No, Tripod! I am your father.
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Tripod:
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NOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Yon:
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Search your feelings, Tripod. You are excited, aren't you?
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Gatesy:
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Noooo! It's not true! It's impossible!
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