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Second Drawer Down
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Yon:
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We were on the street, we were going round canvassing people, asking them what their problem was. You know, what problems do you face? Some of them said, "I dunno mate, what's your fuckin' problem?"
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But others replied, "Well, I'm glad you asked, Yon". They happened to know my name. "Yon from Tripod, here's my answer. Our problem is storage."
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(Audience cheer)
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Scod:
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God, there's some...
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Gatesy:
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Gee, there's some storage fans!
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Scod:
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There's some delegates from the World Federation of Cheering Random Words in tonight!
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Gatesy:
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Are you fans of watermelons?
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(Audience loud cheer)
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Gatesy:
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Hey, what about those... canoes?
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(Audience not-so-loud cheer)
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Scod:
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Not so good, not so good. It's in the way you tell 'em.
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Gatesy:
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Fucker....
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Scod:
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Anyway, we... did you just call me a name?
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Anyway, we put our heads together, didn't we fellas?
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Yes! Yeah!
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Scod:
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We had a bit of a think about this problem that faces Australia. And we came up with an answer to all your storage problems, folks.
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Gatesy:
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One, two! One, two, three, four!
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Tripod:
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Everything fits in the second drawer down.
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Sharp, blunt, long, short, skinny or round,
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Everything fits in the second drawer down.
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Tripod:
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That's it people!
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Scod:
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Don't leave it sitting on the bench,
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If you do, it'll make an awful stench.
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Tripod:
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You're domestically unstable,
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If you leave it on the table.
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Yon:
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You're some hopeless bachelor,
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If I can see a spatula.
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Tripod:
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You mustn't have a missus,
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If I can see some scissors.
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Tripod:
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Ladies, you know what to do. Now us boys can do it too!
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Tripod:
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Nye-nye-nye-nye-nye-nye-nyeh!
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Everything fits in the second drawer down.
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Sharp, blunt, long, short, skinny or round,
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Scod:
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Everything fits...
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Tripod:
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...in the second drawer down.
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Scod:
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Hey, you fellas over there!
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Yon:
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Yeah! What d'ya you want?
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Scod:
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I got this problem, I was wonder if you...
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Yon:
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A problem? What kind of problem?
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Gatesy:
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Yeah!
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Yon:
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Tell me the problem!
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Gatesy:
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Yeah, the problem!
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Yon:
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The problem, please!
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(Pause)
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Scod:
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Okay, here's my problem...
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Yon:
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Tell me now!
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Gatesy:
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Come on, we're waiting!
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Yon:
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We're running out of time!
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(Pause)
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Scod:
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You sure are running out of time, little green fella.
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Now, here's my problem, you boys. I got this egg-whisker, and I don't know what in the Sam Hill to do with it.
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Everything fits in the second drawer down.
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Scod:
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Oh, thankyou!
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Gatesy:
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No problem whatsoever.
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Yon:
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That's okay.
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Excuse me, I'm trying to cook some potatos. I need some aluuuuuuminum foil. Where can I find such a thing?
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Gatesy and Scod:
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Everything fits in the second drawer down.
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Yon:
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Thank you.
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Gatesy:
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'Scuse me, boys.
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Yon:
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Yeah?
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Gatesy:
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Just before, I thought I might get myself some shaving equipment. So I walked up to 7-11 up there, and they didn't have no shaving equipment, so I bought myself a paper.
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Yon and Scod:
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Second drawer down, second...
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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No joke, I just thought that was kind of interesting.
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Tripod:
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Nye-nye-nye-nye-nye-nye-nyeh!
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Everything fits in the second drawer down.
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Sharp, blunt, long, short, skinny or round,
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Scod:
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Everything fits...
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Tripod:
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... in the second drawer down.
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If you want a corkscrew or a penknife, show some care.
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Gatesy:
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I got one thing to say:
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Scod:
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Put it away!
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Yon:
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I can tell you where.
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Tripod:
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One drawer down from the top drawer,
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Three from the bottom if you've got four.
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Gatesy:
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Hey Mister, I can't find my gun!
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Yon and Scod:
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Have you looked below drawer number one?
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Tripod:
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Nye-nye-nye-nye-nye-nye-nyeh!
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Everything fits in the second drawer down.
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Sharp, blunt, long, short, skinny or round,
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Scod:
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Everything fits...
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Tripod:
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... in the second drawer down.
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(General shouting)
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Gatesy:
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'Scuse me, boys.
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Yon:
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Yeah?
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Gatesy:
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I just poached myself some rhino horns and I got no room left in my four-by-four. Where do I put 'em now?
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Yon and Scod:
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Everything fits in the second drawer down.
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Gatesy:
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Thank you so much, thank you.
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Yon:
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Excuse me, gentlemen, I have a small conundrum for you. I've got some family coming in from out of town. Where can I put them up?
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Gatesy and Scod:
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Everything fits in the second drawer down.
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Yon:
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Oh yes, you're right.
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Gatesy:
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(Makes knocking sound)
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Yon:
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Come iiiiiinnnn...
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Gatesy:
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Walter, it's good to see ya, haven't see you for ages...
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Yon:
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Yeah, how nice to see you...
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Gatesy:
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What'd'ya been up to?
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Yon:
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Oooooh! Oooooh!
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Gatesy:
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What are you doing? Walter, stop! Where are you putting me?
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Yon:
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(Laughs evilly)
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Gatesy:
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AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!
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Yon:
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I'm sorry...
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Gatesy:
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Help! Help! Stop fooling around!
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Yon:
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Heh heh heh heh...
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Gatesy:
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I'm stuck in the drawer!
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Yon:
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I know you're stuck in the drawer, I put you there...
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Gatesy:
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Bastard! Help! AAARRRRGHHHH!
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Scod:
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Okaaaay...
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Yon:
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I ain't gonna get you out too soon...
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Gatesy:
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Stop this, please!
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Scod:
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Okay, let's, ahh...
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Yon:
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Nobody's coming, you might as well just shut up...
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Scod:
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Okay, that's just, that's... this has gone far enough. You're freaking me out there, just a little bit, there... green man.
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Okay, ahh, okay. Let's see what you make of this with your second-drawer-down-related antics.
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(Pause)
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Scod:
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Imitation is the sincerest form of... being a cockspank.
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Okay, now, okay, let's see what you make of this with your antics. I am homeless, okay? I have no material possessions whatsoever, except for the clothes on my back, which I wear all the time.
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Everything fits...
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Oh...
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Can it be the third one?
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(Pause)
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Yon:
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Third drawer down...
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Gatesy:
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Underneath the second.
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Yon:
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Yeah, I know where it is!
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Not really, no.
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Gatesy:
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It's just, they're really good drawers.
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Yon:
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Yeah, they're great drawers! It's not a question of quality.
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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'Cause he's homeless, he doesn't have anything to put in them...
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Yon:
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He doesn't need...
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Gatesy:
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Oh, fuck...
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Ahh... it's just a bit embarrassing...
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Yon:
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Shit, yeah...
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Well... Scott...
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You sure know how to fuck up a song, don't ya?
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Gatesy and Scod:
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(Slowly) Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah...
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Yon:
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This is a statement from Tripod Entertainment.
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Gatesy and Scod:
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah...
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Yon:
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We would like to apologise for asserting in this song,
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That you can fit everything in, and indeed solve all of the world's problems with,
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Gatesy and Scod:
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Second drawer down, second drawer down,
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Yon:
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The second drawer down.
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We were wrong, and we are very sorry for any confusion we might have caused on the matter.
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Gatesy and Scod:
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Aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah...
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(Pause)
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Yon:
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Where am I going to put this?
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Scod:
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Three! Four!
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Tripod:
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(Back to tempo) Second drawer down, second drawer down...
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Gatesy:
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Almost...
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Yon:
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Everything fits...
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Scod:
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Everything fits...
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Gatesy:
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Everything fits...
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Tripod:
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in the second drawer dowwwwwwwwn!
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(Audience cheering)
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Scod:
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Yay!
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Gatesy:
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Yeah!
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Scod:
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Ooh, I tell you what, further to this whole, this sort of reaction, I just heard someone over there in a quiet bit of that song go like this: "Hmmmmm...."
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Gatesy:
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Do you think it could be a comedy poacher?
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Scod:
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Maybe!
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Gatesy:
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And they're going, "Hmmm... Nice little switcheroo there. I think I'll use that"?
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Scod:
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I just think it's the most subtle heckle I've ever had in my life!
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Gatesy:
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What's the comeback for "Hmmmm"? Could it be "Mmmmmmhh"?
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Yon:
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Imitation being the sincerest form of...
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