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Mary-Ann
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Scod:
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Now, this one... I was on my way here and I had a little idea for a love song.
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You guys can just, you know, sing backup vocals. You know, watch me for the changes.
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Gatesy:
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Oh.
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Yon:
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Okay.
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Scod:
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I got that from "Back to the Future".
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Gatesy:
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So we just... what do we...
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Scod:
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It's a kind of fifties doo-wop thing.
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Yon:
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Okay.
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Gatesy:
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Okay, so we...
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(Scod starts playing)
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Yon and Gatesy:
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(Entering in perfect harmony) Ooooh...
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Gatesy:
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Awww!
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Scod:
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That's good!
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Gatesy:
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I'll tell ya, fuckin'... (makes telepathy-type noises).
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Yon:
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Definitely a connection, isn't it?
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Gatesy:
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There is something there, man!
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Yon:
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So, I went...
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Ooooh...
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Scod:
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That's good, that's good.
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It's one of those "Monday, Tuesday", "days of the week" type songs.
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Scod:
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Met my baby on a Monday,
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Dumped the body on a Tuesday...
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Then I went to...
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Gatesy:
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Stop...
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A bit extreme, you think?
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Scod:
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Too Christmassy?
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Gatesy:
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No!
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No, no, it's just you've left yourself nowhere to go in your little story there.
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Yon:
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Yeah.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah, you know, you've... what are you going to do on, like, Wednesday?
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Yon:
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Yeah?
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Scod:
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Thought I might go to the movies.
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Gatesy:
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So it's not a song about love, it's a song about going to the movies.
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Scod:
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Fine! Song about going to the movies. Fine.
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Gatesy:
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Okay.
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Scod:
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Went to the movies on a Wednesday,
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Went to the movies on a Thursday,
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Went to the movies on a Friday...
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Gatesy:
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Stop!
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Going to the movies a lot, aren't ya?
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Scod:
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Well, I don't really have a girlfriend any more...
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Gatesy:
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Oh, right.
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Yon:
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I've got a good song that would finish the first half well. It's a sort of a ballady thing, it's another love one, so I think it'd really, you know...
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Ahh, so, if you could just play something for me ballady...
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(Scod starts playing)
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Yon:
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Perfect, yep. And watch me for the changes.
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Scod:
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I've been watching you for changes for ten years...
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(Audience "awwww"s)
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Gatesy:
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Oh, fuckin' shut up!
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He's a little arsehole.
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Yon:
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Her name was Mary-Ann,
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She made him feel like a man.
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I'm not saying that he felt like a man.
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Yon:
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He didn't want a man, he liked them as friends, but he didn't feel like a man in the same way that you'd feel like having an icy-pole, he didn't... umm...
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Oh, it's all right, I know what to do. Can we just start from the top?
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Yon:
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Her name was Nicole,
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She made him feel like a hole.
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Scod:
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Feel like a hole?
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Yon:
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It has to rhyme with "Nicole".
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Scod:
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Just use her actual name! We'll find a rhyme for it.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah. What's her real name?
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Yon:
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Magina - hit it!
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Gatesy:
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Umm... I'll do... I've got one for Mary-Ann.
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Gatesy:
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Her name was Mary-Ann,
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(Yon does his telepathy trick then joins in)
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Yon and Gatesy:
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She made him feel like a man.
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But she didn't even know he existed,
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But oh, whenever she walked past,
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His heart would stop...
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Scod:
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So he was dead before they even got started,
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'Cause his heart had stopped when he caught sight of her.
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Gatesy:
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No!
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Scod:
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It was death at first sight,
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They never made it one night...
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Gatesy:
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Stop!
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Scod:
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And the...
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Gatesy:
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He didn't fucking die! All right? He didn't die.
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Scod:
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He said his heart stopped!
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Gatesy:
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Yeah, but...
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Scod:
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What is he, the undead?!
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Gatesy:
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No, no, he's not!
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Scod:
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I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
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Gatesy:
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No, he's not undead.
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Scod:
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Doomed to walk the Earth and be in a shit song?
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Gatesy:
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That's my fucking life! Now you play the song.
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Gatesy:
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Her name was Mary-Ann,
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She had the body of a goddess and the face of an angel.
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Every man's desire,
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She set his world on fire...
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Scod:
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So they were all dead before they even got started,
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'Cause the world had burned up in an incendiary disaster.
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Gatesy:
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Shut up!
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Scod:
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Join in if you know the words!
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Scod:
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Everybody-was-eliminated-in-a-horrible-miasma-of-fire-and-destruction,
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Gatesy:
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Shut the fuck up!
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Scod:
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The-smell-of-burnt-flesh-put-the-kibosh-on-romance...
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Gatesy:
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Shut-the-fuck-up!
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Scod:
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What?
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Gatesy:
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Shut-the-fuck-up!
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Scod:
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You said that...
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Gatesy:
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Shut-the-fuck-up!
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Scod:
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I don't know what else I'm supposed to do, you said the world had caught fire!
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Gatesy:
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It's a metaphor!
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I reckon my Mum could beat your Mum in a fight, you know that?
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Scod:
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My Dad could beat your Mum in a fight.
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Gatesy:
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You suck. And so does your Mum.
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Scod:
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Hey, hey, hey!
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Say what you like about my Mum... leave me out of it.
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Yon:
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Umm... I reckon I can fix this song up, by the way... the Mary-Ann one?
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Gatesy:
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(Laughing) You?
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Yon:
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Yeah. Fuck off.
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Yeah, it's a... it's a... just play, and I'll sing, and it'll be good.
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Yon:
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Her name was Mary-Ann,
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She was searching for a man.
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Her silhouette was unmistakable, she stood out in a crowd,
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She had a shapely... head,
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And a long flowing... nose.
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Tripod:
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She was hideous,
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A walking disaster.
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A craggy crone,
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A picture of disgust.
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Yon and Gatesy:
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She caught his eye...
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Scod:
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And returned it promptly.
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Gatesy:
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Fuck off!
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Scod:
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He was glad that she could catch it,
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But they couldn't re-attach it.
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He was blinded for all time...
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(Pause)
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Yon:
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All right...
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Yon:
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So they lived...
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Tripod:
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... happilyyyyyyy,
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Yon:
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Because he couldn't...
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Tripod:
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... seeeeeee,
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Yon:
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That she was so...
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Tripod:
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.... uglyyyyyy!
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Yon:
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I'm glad it wasn't me,
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And they lived happily...
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Gatesy:
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Thank you very much!
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