My Spirituality

I grew up in an abusive environment and without religion.

My stepfather was unjust, uncaring, powerful and merciless. At  school I was taught about Christianity. When "God the Father" was mentioned I unconsciously thought of my stepfather. I was not attracted to Christianity.

At the age of fifteen years I was given more lessons in Christianity by a pastor of a Protestant church. My feelings stayed unchanged. I saw God as unjust, uncaring, powerful, and merciless. I saw no reason for thanking God and praying.

When I was nineteen years old, a friend, who was a Christian, took me to meetings of his church. It was a Protestant Church. I went because I was lonely. I liked the music in the services and the companionship in the fellowship. I didn't like the minister's preaching. I also didn't like what I heard in the bible study groups. I could not identify with it. My opinion of God did not change.

I met an older man who won my trust. He was a Catholic and praised the Catholic Church. I started to visit Catholic churches and did a Catholic correspondence course. I spent a lot of time studying the bible. Eventually, when I was thirty-nine years old, I asked a Catholic priest to baptise and confirm me. I lived according to Catholic rules for two years. My opinion of God did not change.

When I was fifty-one years old, I started studying Co-Dependency books and attending "Twelve Steps Recovery" meetings such as Co-Dependents Anonymous, Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Pia Mellody, a nursing director, claimed in her book "Facing Codependence" that young children see their parents as gods. When the children grow older and hear about religion, they project their parents' characteristics onto the god or gods of their culture. That explained my negative opinion of God. I was impressed by the way the people in the "Recovery" meetings behaved. After a while, like the Romans had done 2200 years ago, I half-heartedly started praying to my Higher Power. I thought that it could do no harm. I slowly developed faith in my Higher Power. I believe that my Higher Power loves me, helps me, and guides me. I love my Higher Power. I think that my Higher Power is powerful, merciful and caring.

I slowly became interested in the Catholic Church again. At the age of sixty-one years I took part in a catechumenate. I didn't finish it. However, I again attend a mass every Sunday. I am a Christian and a Catholic now.